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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26286748">He Doesn't Deserve To Be Sad</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_never_read_fluff/pseuds/Ive_never_read_fluff'>Ive_never_read_fluff</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sanders Sides (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Deceit | Janus Sanders Needs a Hug, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Open to Interpretation, Ouch, Self-Harm, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 07:34:47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,253</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26286748</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_never_read_fluff/pseuds/Ive_never_read_fluff</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Janus hardly had any right to be this fucking miserable. </p>
<p>Especially over Virgil.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>46</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>He Doesn't Deserve To Be Sad</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He hardly had any right to be sad. </p>
<p>People move away all the time, it's really just a part of life. </p>
<p>Even if it was his best friend, who was practically his brother, who could rarely be seen apart from each other, who was always there for him and vise versa, who could make him smile even on the darkest of fucking days, who was basically his entire fucking world and who he'd take a bullet for without so much as a second thought and who was just great and Janus definitely didn't deserve someone like that-</p>
<p>Still, that doesn't change the fact that he was absolutely destroyed when he went to Virgil's house that one day, only to find out by his grandma, that no, Virgil wasn't there. He'd moved away. Well, he's bound to come back sometime! They'd promised each other that, no matter what, they'd always find each other again- they'd always reunite, because they were so close and they loved each other so much and you don't just throw something like that away because that's not something most people find! What they had, it was special.</p>
<p>Plus, it was a promise, and Virgil wasn't one to break promises. -<strike>was he?</strike>- He'd come back. Sooner or later, he'd come back. Janus would just have to wait it out.. yeah, he'll just wait it out.</p>
<p>As a elementary school student, he was pretty quick to forget about Virgil, too caught up with the other students. But did he really just forget about someone who he spent more than seven years of his life with, or did he block him out of his memory? Out of sight out of mind, right? Looking back, he used to be the slightest bit angry at how his past self blocked any and all memories of Virgil, but a little later he realized that if him (almost two years older) couldn't handle it, then how in hell could a seven year old? Maybe, he began to think, that it was a good idea to make his future self deal with it. Half of him wanted to do it again- but that half was reasoned out by the memory of how one moment his was fine, unaware, and the next, and for forever after that, was anything but. He remembers how he felt his world crash down violently right in front of him, how he was bombarded with so many fucking memories and how it seemed to take him back to all those times with Virgil, the good and the bad, laughing, crying, having fun, being happy, feeling complete and wouldn't stop despite his begging for it to. </p>
<p>And he just had to stand there, pretending he didn't just have his universe flipped flop upside down and backwards again and again and again and it wouldn't stop wouldn't give him a break and FUCK <em>STOP IT-</em> and he just had to stand there, after having what he previously thought was his first kiss (it wasn't, he discovered, as the memories kept up their ruthless flow and he was struck with a memory of kissing Virgil in the closet of the room him and his brothers shared, the door was colored blue and gray and it was closed because his brothers were sleeping in the room but they couldn't have any type of privacy otherwise but they at least had the decency to close the closest door (unlike <em>some people</em>.. yes go fuck yourself Al, no one wants to see you making out with Janus, jeez- AND that's another thing he remembered, he only kissed Virgil twice, but he, well, he did include himself in some sexual relations with Virgil's second oldest brother, Al, but we don't have to talk about that because haha just Virgil was enough trauma for Janus for a multitude of lifetimes) so that's why they were in a closet and as to why they were kissing, it was apparently to "prepare" for their future of hoeing around but I digress-) his then-boyfriend, pretending he was fine. </p>
<p>Except at this time, Janus was a shitty ass liar, so his boyfriend and (now-probaly-previous) best friend could see his face drop as soon as it happened. They must've brushed it off as his depression kicking in. Oh, right, he was already fucking diagnosed with depression while he was a god damn fifth grader.. guess after all those suppressed memories resurfaced, he has a much better understanding of where his depression most likely stimmed from.. fuck. But he's not blaming Virgil! None of it was ever his fault, it never would be. It's Janus's fault for being so fucking overly sensitive and emotional and taking everything to heart and not knowing when to stop and being over dramatic and overbaring and oh great another memory- in the months leading up to what happened, Janus' mom banned him from seeing Virgil.</p>
<p>He can't, for the life of him, remember why.. oh wait, yes he can, it was because Virgil's dog bit Janus' little brother in his balls. <em>"What if it's YOU next?!"</em> They'd said, but he didn't care, he never would've cared because Virgil was worth that and so much more, god he'd rather be paralyzed for life than be without Virgil!! Oh fuck he was so dramatic, he probably drove Virgil away, OH GOD FUCKING DAMMIT FOR<strong><em> THE LOVE OF CHRIST- </em></strong></p>
<p>This whole 'it's all my fault, if not for me he would've stayed, oh pitiful woe is me' type shit was exhausting, and frankly, boringly repetitive. So he's going to just.. skim over that crap for today and get back on it. It technically <em>was</em> his fault though. Then again, what fucking wasn't? ..why did Virgil leave? Why is Janus still affected by it? It's been.. uh, nearly two years. Is it just him being sensitive? Or something else? He.. what.. he doesn't even fucking- can't- fuck- <em>shit-</em> he's so fucking stupid why can't he even finish a single damn thought why's he shaking why can't he think- shit- clearly? God he's an idiot, jesus christ, <em>Virgil-</em></p>
<p>Virgil. Virgil.. it's <em>his</em> fault. Virgil's. <em>Virgil</em> was the one who left him, Janus, all alone when they <em>promised</em> they'd stay. Or at least <em>come back</em>. It's been almost TWO whole years and he hasn't shown up again. He left Janus. He broke a promise. He doesn't even care about Janus, does he? It was all a huge lie. Complex and messy lie. Virgil hates him, it makes sense, Janus has probably been unknowingly annoying for who-knows-how-long. Janus is annoying. I mean, who talks that much, or play with those toys, or enjoys collecting rocks or bottle caps, or- or.. something.. something annoying or bitchy or slutty or- anything.</p>
<p>And, would you look at that, he's being bitchy and unfair and rude and mean by just even fucking considering the fact that Virgil was even the smallest bit at fault. He obviously fucking wasn't. It was all on Janus, it's always been on Janus. Virgil was right to leave him, if he did so by choice.</p>
<p>He'd never get Virgil back and he'd never get closure and he'd never know why it's so hard on him and he'd never work it out and he'd just be left crying and he'd just have to deal with this for the rest of his life whether he commits suicide or dies naturally. Janus should really get used to being alone.. it's just making everything much worse for him, hoping y'know.. fuck.</p>
<p>Fuck.</p>
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